The Shadow Self is an aspect of the self that is carefully hidden away and personifies everything that we refuse to acknowledge about ourselves. Carl Jung identified it as the ‘unknown dark side of the personality which the conscious ego does not identify in itself’. I believe that our shadow material is the collective of all of our wound imprinting. The unconscious rejection of this aspect of the self creates a fundamental ‘split’ that we are always defending against. Healing this 'split' is key to achieving inner peace and personal freedom.
Our social conditioning has taught us that the best way to heal this ‘split’ is to rely primarily on those individuals we form relationships with to meet our emotional needs and make us feel better about ourselves. This conditioning is the ‘springboard’ that propels us into forming co-dependent relationships throughout the course of our lifetime. The very nature of co-dependency ends up reinforcing the wall or façade that we’ve created that guards us against acknowledging, embracing, and integrating our shadow material. Because we are now completely reliant on the other to make us feel good about ourselves; we can’t risk the possibility that they will get a peek beyond the wall that we’ve created that so carefully guards against everything we judge about ourselves. The unconscious belief is that if we allow the façade to drop; then those whose opinions matter so much to us will be repulsed by what they see. And that is why most of our energies are spent every day ensuring that our shadows will never be exposed to the light of day for fear of being abandoned by those we love.
One of the central themes in the healing I facilitate for my clients is to acknowledge our shadow self and to understand that the primary tension that we carry within us at all times is the denial and rejection of this shadow aspect in an unconscious attempt to minimize loss. The key to healing everything is to begin to accept, embrace and integrate all those aspects of us that we despise and loathe and keep carefully hidden away. In order to heal beyond ‘the split’ towards wholeness, happiness, and well-being, it is imperative that we plumb these depths. There are no detours on the journey to inner peace and freedom.
Our outer world is a continuous reflection of what we believe to be true about ourselves. If we deeply desire to be in a loving relationship with another then we must first learn how to be in a loving relationship with ourselves. In order to do this, we must first begin to immerse ourselves in those shadow aspects which we’ve kept carefully hidden from ourselves and others. This is the journey to self-love and self-acceptance; without which we will never have the capacity to truly love another:
Our social conditioning has taught us that the best way to heal this ‘split’ is to rely primarily on those individuals we form relationships with to meet our emotional needs and make us feel better about ourselves. This conditioning is the ‘springboard’ that propels us into forming co-dependent relationships throughout the course of our lifetime. The very nature of co-dependency ends up reinforcing the wall or façade that we’ve created that guards us against acknowledging, embracing, and integrating our shadow material. Because we are now completely reliant on the other to make us feel good about ourselves; we can’t risk the possibility that they will get a peek beyond the wall that we’ve created that so carefully guards against everything we judge about ourselves. The unconscious belief is that if we allow the façade to drop; then those whose opinions matter so much to us will be repulsed by what they see. And that is why most of our energies are spent every day ensuring that our shadows will never be exposed to the light of day for fear of being abandoned by those we love.
One of the central themes in the healing I facilitate for my clients is to acknowledge our shadow self and to understand that the primary tension that we carry within us at all times is the denial and rejection of this shadow aspect in an unconscious attempt to minimize loss. The key to healing everything is to begin to accept, embrace and integrate all those aspects of us that we despise and loathe and keep carefully hidden away. In order to heal beyond ‘the split’ towards wholeness, happiness, and well-being, it is imperative that we plumb these depths. There are no detours on the journey to inner peace and freedom.
Our outer world is a continuous reflection of what we believe to be true about ourselves. If we deeply desire to be in a loving relationship with another then we must first learn how to be in a loving relationship with ourselves. In order to do this, we must first begin to immerse ourselves in those shadow aspects which we’ve kept carefully hidden from ourselves and others. This is the journey to self-love and self-acceptance; without which we will never have the capacity to truly love another:
THE SHADOW SELF
“ ... For fear threatens the self-image you have so
carefully molded
And it threatens the sexual role you have
chosen
And you dread shame or loss of control
And in relationships you vacillate between
fears of too much closeness or not enough
And you fear the suffering that others can inflict:
criticism and rejection, humiliation and invasion
And vulnerable and insecure, you fear the
aggravation of opening old wounds
And the sense of being overwhelmed by facets
of yourself which have been condemned in the
past, even by yourself as well as others
And your greatest fears may be threats to your
physical body or to your identity
And so you cling to the familiar parental voices
within
Lest you re-experience the traumas of
childhood which could plunge you headlong
into the black abyss of terror; the world of the
frightened, rejected child...abandoned and
alone...
And some inner guardian ardently defends the
gate that seals off the pain and anxiety of old
wounds
When shadows play at the edge of your mind...
Become your shadow-self
Woo the distrustful child out of the darkness
and back to life
For shadows tell us what we fear
And draw smudged pictures of dreads we are
afraid to feel
Penetrate them
Face them and you will balance your inner self
and the persona you present to the outside
world: the mask
For within those smoky depths are stored
nightmares: the worst images we have of
ourselves
Shadows are places of mysterious fears
There is no sun there
And they represent the lowest point; the nadir
of our existence where ghastly forms loom and
lurk in their dark corners, writhing and draping
veils over the light of our days...
For the shadow is the secret arena of the inner
self
And no one outside of ourselves can see it
And when we dare to enter therein, we
disappear
And all of our energies are directed inward
towards the dark unconscious
For its locked-up material must be brought into
the conscious mind if you are ever to feel
complete and whole and at peace
Still, some choose to live in those shadowy
worlds where dreams, nightmares and realities
are forever confused...
Constantly moving in and out of each other
So decisions are impossible to make
And facts are hopelessly distorted by
propaganda or fears
And outward lives reflect the pathetic inner
struggle
As the confused one flits around endlessly in
pointless circles
From task to task
From opinion to empty opinion
And he chatters on, pouring out streams of
words with no substance
Without purpose
Without direction
Without hope
And in encountering your shadow-self, you
may wonder how you can live with the
discovery of your own ugliness and potential
evil
For you will glimpse terrifying energies within,
gaining pleasure from revenge or planning the
downfall of those who have hurt you
And you may even uncover a masochistic
craving for physical or emotional self-abuse
For discovering inner demons is a terrible blow
to your self-esteem
Know that the first experience of bringing those
bad energies out is always the worst
But once out of darkness, they lose power
and evaporate in the light
Learn to trust the beauty within, while
tolerating your darker side
For it is a paradox that the process of spiritual
growth involves lessening your attachment to
your ideal images of self and others and
embracing instead your lowest, most vile self
And if at first you feel threatened or repulsed
by your hidden facets
Know that you can only discover the buried
treasure within by being willing to embrace the
distrustful, uncooperative child
Love and understanding will eventually open
the lock
See the most evil parts of yourself as the
methods of survival for a terrified child whose
needs have been distorted by years of
emotional neglect and abuse
Seek out the child’s needs
Meet those needs and soothe his fears
Confront him, touch him
Tell him you are a friend from his future
And that you understand his pain
And you will create for yourself the nurturing
conditions that lead to transformation
Then open the channel of healing love and
compassion for others
For only then will the twisted, unredeemed
facets of yourself and the evil hiding within, be
countered and melted by warm feelings
Then you will at last feel compassion for
yourself..."
Zambucka, Kristin. (1999). The Classic Trilogy, Ano ‘Ano: The Seed, The Mana Keepers, The Fire Lily.
Honolulu, Hawaii: Mutual Publishing. Pg. 119-124.
“ ... For fear threatens the self-image you have so
carefully molded
And it threatens the sexual role you have
chosen
And you dread shame or loss of control
And in relationships you vacillate between
fears of too much closeness or not enough
And you fear the suffering that others can inflict:
criticism and rejection, humiliation and invasion
And vulnerable and insecure, you fear the
aggravation of opening old wounds
And the sense of being overwhelmed by facets
of yourself which have been condemned in the
past, even by yourself as well as others
And your greatest fears may be threats to your
physical body or to your identity
And so you cling to the familiar parental voices
within
Lest you re-experience the traumas of
childhood which could plunge you headlong
into the black abyss of terror; the world of the
frightened, rejected child...abandoned and
alone...
And some inner guardian ardently defends the
gate that seals off the pain and anxiety of old
wounds
When shadows play at the edge of your mind...
Become your shadow-self
Woo the distrustful child out of the darkness
and back to life
For shadows tell us what we fear
And draw smudged pictures of dreads we are
afraid to feel
Penetrate them
Face them and you will balance your inner self
and the persona you present to the outside
world: the mask
For within those smoky depths are stored
nightmares: the worst images we have of
ourselves
Shadows are places of mysterious fears
There is no sun there
And they represent the lowest point; the nadir
of our existence where ghastly forms loom and
lurk in their dark corners, writhing and draping
veils over the light of our days...
For the shadow is the secret arena of the inner
self
And no one outside of ourselves can see it
And when we dare to enter therein, we
disappear
And all of our energies are directed inward
towards the dark unconscious
For its locked-up material must be brought into
the conscious mind if you are ever to feel
complete and whole and at peace
Still, some choose to live in those shadowy
worlds where dreams, nightmares and realities
are forever confused...
Constantly moving in and out of each other
So decisions are impossible to make
And facts are hopelessly distorted by
propaganda or fears
And outward lives reflect the pathetic inner
struggle
As the confused one flits around endlessly in
pointless circles
From task to task
From opinion to empty opinion
And he chatters on, pouring out streams of
words with no substance
Without purpose
Without direction
Without hope
And in encountering your shadow-self, you
may wonder how you can live with the
discovery of your own ugliness and potential
evil
For you will glimpse terrifying energies within,
gaining pleasure from revenge or planning the
downfall of those who have hurt you
And you may even uncover a masochistic
craving for physical or emotional self-abuse
For discovering inner demons is a terrible blow
to your self-esteem
Know that the first experience of bringing those
bad energies out is always the worst
But once out of darkness, they lose power
and evaporate in the light
Learn to trust the beauty within, while
tolerating your darker side
For it is a paradox that the process of spiritual
growth involves lessening your attachment to
your ideal images of self and others and
embracing instead your lowest, most vile self
And if at first you feel threatened or repulsed
by your hidden facets
Know that you can only discover the buried
treasure within by being willing to embrace the
distrustful, uncooperative child
Love and understanding will eventually open
the lock
See the most evil parts of yourself as the
methods of survival for a terrified child whose
needs have been distorted by years of
emotional neglect and abuse
Seek out the child’s needs
Meet those needs and soothe his fears
Confront him, touch him
Tell him you are a friend from his future
And that you understand his pain
And you will create for yourself the nurturing
conditions that lead to transformation
Then open the channel of healing love and
compassion for others
For only then will the twisted, unredeemed
facets of yourself and the evil hiding within, be
countered and melted by warm feelings
Then you will at last feel compassion for
yourself..."
Zambucka, Kristin. (1999). The Classic Trilogy, Ano ‘Ano: The Seed, The Mana Keepers, The Fire Lily.
Honolulu, Hawaii: Mutual Publishing. Pg. 119-124.
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